hello//archives//goodbye

Wednesday, March 02, 2016

want


i had a conversation with a friend that day over grilled chicken and shared soda - what do we want out of life?

there is a part of me that wants my reputation to run before me - paper proofs of my intelligence, alphabetical string of acronyms behind my name, numbers on my bank balance, numbers on my house address  - the whole works.

but am i willing? to put in the hours and to give up the hours.
it's not hard work that scares me - it's the time spent all alone when i could be doing something, anything else.

what am i missing out on while chasing something so fragile and at the end of my days, so futile?
time spent with the people i love, time spent doing all the other things i love - is it worth it?

i won't deny it - the satisfaction of achievement is an addiction - but really, what is it worth?

there's a part of me that wants to survive on a subsistence level - living off love and light and laughter, doing good work that means something real and true, touching lives of people close enough for me to touch -

don't get me wrong - i do intend to graduate well - but after that?
do i want to spend all my years climbing the career ladder? working and working and working?
or do i want to use my license to do works that makes my heart and eyes swell?

right now, both my knees are bruised - from captainball played on my church's carpeted fifth floor and from working a rock-climbing route over and over and over again - and even now, with my year two finals two months away, i know these are the things i must give up -

but i am not willing to give them up for the rest of my life -

there are so many other things i want, there are so many other things that mean happiness to me -

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