hello//archives//goodbye

Thursday, May 16, 2013

i was..

a cute baby ;) HEHEH. Kidding! (not)




My youth leader wanted old photos of me and my mama to put together something for Mama's Day celebration. And so, I deserted my math homework on the kitchen table and went on a treasure hunt in the forgotten crevices of my home where dust and memories are allowed to collect. Inside drawers that took Herculean strength to pull out, beneath stacks of faded bed covers and wrapped in clean white dust-bags, lay albums and albums of photographs from the good old days before digital cameras came into existence. It was painfully nostalgic to see a younger, skinnier version of my father and a denim-clad, very 90s replica of my mama.

And me; padded all over with baby fat like its an armor against time, chin-length hair that will never be cut that short again, tiny milk teeth bared in goofy smiles and eyes, eyes that only ever knew love.

I see my dad, my mom, my uncles, my grandma, my grandpa holding me and smiling, grinning, beaming. With joy? With love? With hope?

And I wonder if I had let them down; if I had, at any point in my growing up years, ever disappointed them, ever made them cry and yearn for the child I once was. Did I turn out the way they hoped I would? Do I still make them smile the way they did in the pictures, with joy shining from their eyes and hope hidden in their laughter?

I see me, hugging my uncle decked in his graduation robes and mortar board and posing with another uncle in matching football jerseys and I see the home I spend my babyhood years in, with its wooden balustrades and mattress-lined room where I practiced my somersaults without fearing the hard, unforgiving floor. And I wonder where the time has flown to.

I wonder if it would ever take mercy on me and slow down, even for just a little bit.

Here's me, desperate for more of these happy days.

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