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Thursday, November 15, 2012

regret


today consists mostly of add. math and a slab of dark chocolate to stave off math moodiness. But always, as it is with math, my mind wanders and today, it's to regret.

I have a friend whose head is filled with the most ridiculous ideas ever. Conversations are always tummy-achingly funny and punctuated with the loudest laughter. And with him, i'm at my most silliest, most craziest, most true self. Words come out without passing through my brain and I am at best, unfiltered and at worse, bordering on senseless. But he has his days when he seems distant and a little sad. And i know he is far away in a place where he won't let me in, where he bars the gates and broods alone. He guards himself with an armor of rough, defensive words and a shield of pretense. Lately, he has lowered his defenses for me and i've been allowed to peek in. And recently, between arguments about water and H2O, in a hesitant voice and with carefully chosen words, he told me something that had been bothering him and out of confusion and surprise, i said 'what?'. That shut him up almost immediately. He replied with a quick and short 'nothing' and i could feel him retreat back into himself. I could slap myself for that. You know what? Let me do just that. How could i have been so thoughtless and tactless and just plain, stupid? When I asked him again, he went full-on defensive, i-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about mode on me. Urghhh. How could I? When i knew it had been bothering him for a while? When he finally found his way to telling me? When he just needed to talk? How could I?

Will I ever meet anyone as frustrating as this ever again in my life?
And is there anything more frustrating than saying the wrong thing at the wrong time?

No. Urghhhhhhhh. 
I deserve another slap. 

And my best friend calls me secretive. Nope. Compared to this guy, I am a wide, wide open book.

moral of the story; chyu ern, next time, please remember his quick mood changes and shut up accordingly.

kay, back to math. it misses me.  

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